Why Do We Hurt When People We Help Turn Against Us?
It feels like we failed. That’s why.
Even when we know better.
As human beings we are reciprocal animals. We anticipate something in exchange for help or kindness or being there for someone. What we anticipate varies and is a direct reflection of our own level of acceptance of who we are – or how we see our selves – or more accurately how we think other people see us.
In the big picture, it doesn’t matter how other people see us. But who’s talking big picture here? It’s not the “big mind” that’s participating in this. It’s the little mind, the voice in our head. The voice that creates all the critical dialogue of self talk and self prosecution.
If we really care about people and want to give them something of our selves, on a higher level, we do not expect anything in return. The big mind is not attached to getting positive feedback or acknowledgement. The “big mind” is not motivated by “self”. The little mind is. Whatever the little mind does is conditional and expecting something in return.
The big mind is “self-less” and gives unconditionally.
Giving and Receiving
Yet there is also an aspect here that comes into play:
completing the cycle of giving and receiving.
This is not so much in the sense of if I do “this”, then you must do “this”. It’s more like completing an electrical circuit. If you have a bad ground, the lights can flicker. When the cycle of flow is broken, it is disturbing and there is a mismatch energetically. This affects how we feel when we offer help and the receiver does not accept it well or fully. It’s like sharing a beautiful sunset with someone and they grunt and walk away.
Yet the disappointment ultimately stems from expectation and small thinking. When we truly love and care, the joy comes from seeing the other person benefit, not getting recognition for giving in the first place.
Most people I know that offer unconditional love are not people. They are dogs and cats.
On the positive side, we can learn how to let go of expectations and give fully unconditionally. It can be tricky to let go and just be, but that’s what we teach.
And back to the title of this post, it hurts when we give and do not receive in return at least a sign of appreciation and acknowledgement.
The truth is that when we really help someone get through some big issues and help them clear those negatives, if we do our job right they no longer remember the negative stuff from the past.
In a way, it is a very thankless job, helping people become whole again. Because when they are whole, they can not remember NOT being whole.
This requires giving what we have to offer unconditionally.
If we feel pain when those we help turn against us, we still have attachments to what we are giving in the first place.
I AM Michael Barrett and I Am a Workshop Facilitator and Life Coach.